The Best B.E.T.S to have a Great Marriage

By Manuel and Tammy

Manuel: Let’s open with a word of prayer

Tammy: I read sometime ago that a panel of women debated on whom they thought was the perfect man. You’d have thought it might be famous actor or wealthy tycoon. But the final conclusion of this panel was that the Perfect Man was actually…MR.POTATO HEAD. Their reasoning: He’s tan. He’s cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

Manuel: We now know what a panel of women thought was the perfect mate. Let’s see some information about what God tells us men about the perfect mate.

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

Proverbs 21:19                                            

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 25:24

Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred. Proverbs 15:17

Manuel: You may think that in these verses Solomon is telling his son what kind of woman not to marry. However, I feel that he is telling his son what kind of woman he will end up living with if he does not treat her, as he should. Tammy and I are going to be talking today about improving our marriages. Not about finding our perfect mate but becoming the perfect mate. We want to give you what we feel are four of the best B.E.T.S to have the "perfect" marriage.

The first of the best bets is blessing your spouse. We have to understand what blessing is. Blessing is the act of declaring, or wishing, God’s favor and goodness upon others. Our first scripture is Proverbs 18:21. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

What ever we speak to our spouse, both in their presence and elsewhere, is the same fruit that we will dine on. I would much rather dine on sweet words and blessings than bitterness and curses.

Tammy: Our next scripture about blessing our spouse is Proverbs 31:26 she speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

When we open our mouths to speak to our spouse, we have to do it out of wisdom and not say things that may be hurtful or critical to our spouse. We need to do this at all times and not just when things are going good. That means even when we fight, we must speak in kindness. So, how do we do this? Praise what they do, instead of criticizing what they don’t do, or don’t do well.

Proverbs 3:27

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. This tells us to bless and praise our spouse when they do something. Don’t withhold praise and blessings from your spouse. Always find a way to make your spouse feel valued.

Manuel: My scripture is Proverbs 31:31 give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Pay compliments to your wife. Not only to her, but also about her. The reward we are talking about is not necessarily a tangible gift. But shower your spouse with loving words and praises. Make sure the entire world knows what your wife does for you. Don’t be embarrassed if your wife is sometimes more successful at something than you. Crow about your spouse’s good works so that not only are you praising him or her, but when they are out in public others tell them what glowing things they’ve heard. Now, let’s examine some reasons why we may not be doing this. “My spouse will think I am faking it."

Tammy: Do it anyway. My problem is," My spouse won’t appreciate it."

Manuel: Yes they will. They may not outwardly display appreciation, but they will appreciate it. I just feel that it doesn’t make me feel very manly to bless my wife."

Tammy: A "Real Man" blesses his wife. “I feel uncomfortable bragging about my husband."

Manuel: Just keep doing it and you’ll reap rewards untold. ‘Remember, you shouldn’t care what others think when you bless your spouse. If you don’t bless them who will?

Tammy: We have to be sensitive to our spouse’s unique areas of weakness, and build them up in these areas. Manuel isn’t the world’s greatest home repairman. A while ago, the trap on our bathroom sink rusted through and started to leak horribly. Manuel went to Lowe’s got a new trap came home and started tying to repair it. 30 minutes later he came to the conclusion that he didn’t get the right size trap. He returned to Lowe’s and got another new fangled one and came home to put it on. Only to find out that it hung too low under the sink and wouldn’t work. Finally, on the third try, he got the right piece and was able to get it attached and the leak hasn’t come back. I could have nagged him and harassed him about taking so long to fix something that should have been fixed 30 minutes. Instead, once the new trap was in, I praised him and thanked him for working so hard to get it fixed. Romans 14: 19

Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. (Leaky sink)

Manuel: Another way we can edify and encourage our spouse is to help them think BIG and strive for excellence. Genesis 18:10-15

Then the Lord said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son." Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" Then the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, "will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son." Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said," I did not laugh. But he said, “Yes, you did laugh."

Why was Sarah so embarrassed that she ended up lying to God? Why did God ask Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say," Will I really have a child, now that I am old? If Abraham had told Sarah what God had told him earlier and helped Sarah to be edified and encouraged by the news, would she have laughed? Would she have been embarrassed? No. Because Abraham failed to encourage and edify Sarah, she had to be embarrassed by God. Don’t let something like that happen to your spouse.

Tammy: the T for our best B.E.T.S. is Touch your spouse. The dictionary tells us that to touch is to put the hand on, so as to feel. The world would tell us that there are three types of touching Superficial, like a handshake. Aggressive, like contact sports. And sexual, like you would find in Eros (romantic) love. We are going to take about a fourth, non-sexual touching. What does the Song of Solomon, tell us.

Song of Songs 2:6

His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me.

Some tell us that this type of touching is only for newlyweds. Wrong!

It can say:

1. I am with you and connected to you.

2. I care about you.

3. I love you.

Some ways we can touch our spouse in an intimate, but non-sexual manner are:

1. Touch when you communicate (even when you argue)

2. Touch when you pray together

3. Touch when you go to sleep together

Don’t wait for your spouse to do it first. You touch them. Don’t worry about their reaction either. This type of touching blesses your spouse and should never be withheld from them.

Manuel: Please Mark 1:40-42 A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean." Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. "I am willing, He said.”Be clean!" Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cured.

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the leper to heal him even though he didn’t have to. He could have healed him with a thought or word. He chose to touch him for a reason. This man was oppressed by the world. He spent every minute of every day driving people away from himself. He walked outside the city yelling, "Unclean, Unclean" so that people wouldn’t come near him or touch him. Most likely, it had been years since another human being had laid hands on this man. However, Jesus knew that what this man needed was not only to be healed, but also to feel the compassionate touch of another person. Our spouses sometimes feel that the world is against them or that they are driving people away because of something. One of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse is to touch them in a loving and intimate, but non-sexual way. It is healing for them to feel a touch that says," I want to make you feel better. I want you to be healed of any hurts or pains you have. I’m not looking for you to give me pleasure or anything, I just want to be connected to you and heal you of any wounds you received today."

Finally, we come to the S in our best B.E.T.S. that being, serve your spouse. Philippians 2:4-5 each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

This scripture instructs us that we are not to look out for ourselves but be as Christ. And how was Christ? Matthew 20:28

Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many."

We must seek to serve our spouse, rather than be served by them. It’s ironic, but the more you focus on getting your own needs met, the less satisfied and fulfilled you are going to be. However, the more you focus on serving your spouse and meeting their needs, the more you will find that" needs bucket" somehow gets filled. We frequently hear these scriptures and think about how we can serve our brothers and sisters in the church; usually because you want them to think highly of you. Or, you may start thinking about people who are your neighbors and try to figure out how to meet their needs. coaching a little league or volunteering at" meals on wheels". And by doings so, you may get some rewards or recognition at a banquet or some ceremony. Rarely do we think about how we can serve our spouse and meet their needs. In this situation, there is rarely any potential of recognition. This is where faith is tested for real.

You may also be thinking," I’m barely surviving now. I have to fight and claw for every scrap of respect, support and dignity I get in my marriage. If I stop doing that, and put their needs first, they’ll just take advantage of me. My needs will be completely ignored and I’ll be left with nothing. I’ll be nothing." And you may be right. But what does Christ tell us about that situation… Luke 17:3

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.

If you try to hold on to what you have by force, coercion, and nagging, you will fail. But, if you lose your life, if you trust God with the situation, if you live in obedience to God, you will find your life. Whatever you give up, even if your mate does not respond, God will make up for it a hundred fold.

Tammy: I Cor 10:24 Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

This goes hand in hand with what Manuel said. My principle is," stop trying to change your spouse." To put it another way “hold your tongue." My copy of the Bible has over a thousand pages and not one of those pages tells us how to change someone else. It doesn’t tell us how to alter their character, or extinguish their bad habits, or improve their behavior. What is the bible full of? Instructions on how I can change me. But nothing on how I can change other people. Why is that? Because that is God’s job. That is the job of the Holy Spirit. He’s the one who is supposed to speak to their hearts about the changes they need to make. God is their judge, not you. They are accountable to God. Let God worry about whether they are doing what they are supposed to do.

Now, if you do stop criticizing your spouse, and you find that you now have nothing to talk about, then try this instead: try praising them; try affirming them; try thanking them. It works wonders. Once they get up off the floor, you’ll be amazed at what enormous changes a little bit of praise in the right direction can produce. A single word of thanks or appreciation can have great power. (The parable of the wind and the sun: The Wind and the Sun tried to prove to each other who was stronger, by seeing which one could force the man to take off his coat; the wind blew, but the man only pulled his coat tighter around him; the sun gently warms the man until he no longer needed it and he took off his coat. The warm sun of praise and affirmation is more powerful the harsh wind of criticism.)

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24